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[personal profile] detectivecaz

The uninvited houseguest

Author: detectivecaz

Rating: T


All characters belong to the Bond franchise.

James comes into contact with an unexpected houseguest and needs M's help.

The uninvited houseguest

James was in the bedroom, removing his shirt and tie when he saw a black mass moving out of the corner of his eye. Cautiously moving closer to the bed. He looked for anything he could use as a weapon, regretting leaving his gun in the hall.




She jumped at hearing the panicked voice of James echo throughout the house. Grabbing the knife she was using to cut up the chicken, she made her way captiously to the bedroom.


“James, what’s wrong? ”


“Stay where you are! Don’t come in!”


M could feel her patience wearing thin. “For God sake James will you just tell me what the situation is? ”


“You may want to call Tanner for backup. It’s on the move.”


M lowered the knife confused. Opening the bedroom door she saw James cowering on the bed his eyes fixed on the floor. Following his direction she tried to stop her smirk at breaking free.


“A spider James really?”


“It’s not a spider, spiders aren’t that bloody big in Britain.”


The intruder crawled its way closer to M’s double bed where James was and stopped near the wooden post.


“You’d be surprised James. Why didn’t you just put it outside, the poor thing is probably more scared of you than you of it.”


She couldn’t believe James was scared of a common house spider. After all the life and death situations he faced on missions.


“Bloody try telling it that! It keeps coming closer!”


He never took his eyes off it; terrified it would sneak up on him.


“Well, don’t just stand there M! Do something! ”


“Like call for backup?”


She found the full situation hilarious. She wouldn’t be letting him live this one down anytime soon.


“Yes, if that’s what it takes! Just get rid of it. ”


Rolling her eyes, she left the room James voice shouting after her telling her to come back.


“Give me a damn minute until I find a newspaper or magazine!”

Seeing one on her coffee table she placed down the knife and picked up James’ newspaper that he had still to read. Making her way back towards James, she noticed he remained in the same position eyes fixated on his new ‘little’ friend.


“I should be making you do this, after having me believe it was something serious.”

“This is serious. That thing will bloody eat you.” He pointed at the spider.


“Unless there is something you’re not telling me, I think you’re safe in the assumption it won’t eat you.”


He swallowed, “Perhaps, but they can kill you.”


“As opposed to what? Terrorists, or those stupid stunts you pull that almost kill you every time you go on a mission.”


She bent down and coached the spider onto the newspaper, watching as it crawled near the center then stopped.


“And besides, we don’t have killer spiders over here unless one accidently is brought in to the country. Which I can tell you is rather slim.”


Standing back up, she moved over to James, and brought it down to his level.


“See, common house spider.”


She had never seen him move so fast. He was off the bed and ran over to the other side of the room giving M a look of hatred.


“I couldn’t care less what it is, it’s horrible and ugly looking.”


“It probably thinks the same about you.”


M left the room with the spider, hearing James following behind her.


“What’s that supposed to mean?”


She opened her front door, and placed the newspaper on the ground waiting until the spider crawled away and onto the step before closing the door behind her and throwing the paper down on the hall cabinet.


“There that wasn’t so bloody hard was it? ”


James crossed his arms across his chest, un-amused.


“What did you mean, it probably thought the same about me?”


“All I meant was, that compared to the size of it, and the size of you- Oh for Christ sake get that grin off your face!”

James eyes lit up in amusement and she could see the signs of his famous grin about to break free, which made M want to smack him.


“As I was saying, it probably thought the same about you, considering you are likely to do more damage to it than what it would do to you.”


“Me do more damage? M, the thing had bloody eight legs and can go anywhere undetected! Not to mention the fact of the speed on it, if that was human we would all be fucked!”


“And you have an over active imagination James.”


“There’s also the fact they can sit themselves on walls and corners of ceilings so they can spy and stare at you. Then move locations when you’re asleep and disappear off the radar only to bloody appear again when you don’t expect it and give you a bloody heart attack in the process! They’re like terrorists; there is more than bloody one! So, remind me again how I have an over active imagination, when you know that’s what they do! It’s scary and bloody annoying! ”


“Kind of like you. ”


“Kind of like me! Wait a minute.”


M smiled sweetly at him. “You do have to admit there are similarities between the two of you. You both can go anywhere undetected most of the time. You both move locations when I’m asleep, which leaves me wondering where the hell you are the next day considering the majority of the time you never report in to let me or six know what’s happening. Only for you to reappear in my flat unannounced. Nearly giving me a heart attack in the bloody process. ”


“At least I don’t have eight legs.” He mumbled knowing she was right in some respect.


“And there is only one of me unlike those things.”


“Very observant of you James. And as for only being one of you, I’m bloody thankful! One is more than enough!”


She walked past him and into the living room, picking up the knife from the table before making her way back into the kitchen.


“Why don’t you read your paper, to give me bloody peace to finish making dinner? ”


“Fine! Where is my paper?” He moved the various books and old newspapers scattered on the table looking for the item in question.


“It’s on the hall cabinet.”


She smirked; he hadn’t even realised it was the same paper she used to carry the spider.


“What would I do without you M?”


“I’ve been asking myself the same question ever since I gave you your double O status!” She mocked shouted at him.


“Ha ha!”


She placed the now cut chicken in the pot and wiped her hands on the towel, then turned her attention onto making the sauce only to let out a curse at hearing James scream her name again.


“What the hell now?” M asked aggravated walking out into the hall.


“It’s back! Christ M I thought you put it outside!” He shouted at her accusingly as if she had betrayed him.


“I did! You were there yourself James!”


“Well, it's back! I told you there was more than one! Didn’t I tell you? ”


“Alright, you bloody told me! Give it a rest James or you can get rid of this one yourself.”


“Fine! Can you please, just get rid of it?”


“If I must. Unless, they have grown fond of the James Bond charm, like so many women in the past. Then I’m afraid in that case they will just keep coming.”


She couldn’t help but wind him up; she was enjoying this too much.


His eyes widened at hearing the statement. “They bloody better not!”


James watched as she walked towards it, and picked up the paper she placed down earlier. His eyes widened when he realised it was the paper that he was looking for.


“Did you bloody use my paper earlier to get rid of the last one?”


She turned to look at him and gave a smirk, “Yes! ”


“And you were going to let me touch it after that?”


She ignored him, and rolled the paper up and whacked the spider, looking down satisfied seeing it dead. Unrolling the paper she scooped it up and threw it out the front door.


M looked towards James seeing the shocked expression on his face.


“What is it now?” She asked exasperated.


“You killed it?”


“Yes.” She threw down the paper. “Problem?”


“It was defenseless and you killed it!”


She pinched the bridge of her nose. “You wanted me to get rid of it! So I got rid of it. ”


“Yes, but I didn’t mean to kill it!”


“So, you would rather it come crawling back into the house, then crawl on you while you are asleep?”




“Well, then that’s that matter settled. Perhaps now we will be able to actually have dinner tonight.”


James watched as she walked away from him.


“I suppose that’s another thing I have in common with spiders, you can have us killed.” He mumbled allowed.


M stopped in her tracks at hearing his statement and turned to look at him.


“Quite, but just because I whacked it with a newspaper who's to say it was actually dead? After all they can fake it, so I guess you could say resurrection is also a spider's hobby as well as yours.”


“You mean it could come back?”


“Oh yes, so I wouldn’t stay standing in the hall for long James. It may come back and get you.”


She continued on her way, her laugh filling the house. James not wanting to stay out in the hall longer than necessary left the paper and sat himself down on the couch in the living room, feet tucked up just incase.


That was the way M found him when she came into the living room half an hour later carrying two plates.


“Really James?”


She placed his plate down on the table in front of him that contained tomato and basil chicken, a few sweet potatoes and vegetables.


“Yes really, I don’t want any uninvited guests crawling over my feet.”


She bit her lip and took her seat on the couch next to him.


“Fair enough.”


They ate in a comfortable silence with James checking the floor every now and again to make sure there was nothing there.


“Why do you have a fear of spiders James? It’s not something you have ever told me.”


James let out a sigh, and placed his plate on the table.


“Before my parents died, they never bothered me, I still thought they were ugly things, but I wasn’t…”




“Truthfully, yes.”


“What changed?” M asked him softly.


“When my aunt sent me to Eton, my experience wasn’t exactly a happy one. There was one kid, a few years older than me who got a kick out of bullying the other kids younger than him. ”


“Let me guess, you were one of his victims?”


“Yeah. I saw him beating up this one kid, and intervened. They let the other kid go, and they started beating on me. I could take it, and gave just as much back to the pompous prick.”


“I bet you did, but what’s this got to do…”


Realisation dawned over her. “What did he do James?”


“It was nighttime, everyone was asleep. He and a few of his goons dragged me from bed and took me outside, before throwing me in a small pit they had so conveniently dug for me. ”


M reached out and took one of James’ hands in hers giving it a small squeeze, while balancing her plate on her knee.


“Then what happened?”


“They threw me in. It was raining the night before, so as you can imagine it was muddy and I couldn’t grip anything to climb out. It was then they decided to add the icing to the cake and before I knew what was happening I had a shit load of spiders joining me and god knows what else. They left me there alone in the dark; I could feel them crawl over me M. I finally managed to get out, but I could still feel my skin crawl as if they were still on me.”


He gave a slight shudder thinking back on the memories, that didn’t go unnoticed by her.


“I’m sorry James.” The earlier incident didn’t seem as funny now that she knew the truth.


“Not your fault.” He gave a small smile.


“What was the kids name? ”


“Thomas Lawson. Last time I checked he is now currently working for the government, MI5 to be exact.”


“Wait, the current head of MI5 Thomas Lawson?”


James didn’t miss the wicked glint in her eyes, wondering what she was thinking.


“Yes, why?”


“No reason, I just was wondering how an idiot like him was head of a government agency. I’ve met him on a few occasions in the past. ”


“And what did you think? ”


“He was insufferable, ignorant and treated his employees like shit. ”


“Sounds like him.”


“And don’t get me started on his inappropriate flirting. Took all my strength not to slap the bastard. ”


“I’ll kill him.”


“Relax James, this was some years ago. I let Tanner deal with him now. ”


“Thank god for Tanner.”


“Yes he does come in handy.” She gave him a wink causing James to chuckle.


She withdrew her hand from his, and was about to pick up James’ plate when his hand stopped her.


“I’ll do the dishes, it’s only fair since you cooked.”


“Are you sure? What about any uninvited guests?” She raised an eyebrow.


He looked quickly at the floor. “I’m confident you’ll be the first to know if there is any.”


“I’m sure I will.” She handed her plate over to him, and watched as he made his way into the kitchen.


Grabbing the house phone, she quickly dialled Tanners number after a few rings he answered.


“Tanner. I need to ask you for a favour.” She was trying to keep her voice quiet as possible.


“What is it? Is everything okay?”


“Everything’s fine. Look I need you to do a search on Thomas Lawson for me. See if you can find out anything that will discredit him. ”


“MI5’s Thomas Lawson? What is he supposed to have done?”


“It’s not for me to say. If you want to know you will need to ask James.”


She heard Tanner let out a sigh, she felt guilty for dragging the man into it, but it wouldn’t change her mind.


“Alright, I’ll see what I can find.”


“Thank you Tanner. If there isn’t anything perhaps Q could do something.”


“Like what?”


“I think the press would love to see the head of MI5 in compromising photo’s wouldn’t you say? It would be a pity if they were accidently leaked online.”


“Consider it done ma'am. What if he catches on it was you?”


“Tanner, you’re forgetting this is Q we’re talking about, chances of Lawson finding out who it was are slim. He may be the head of MI5, but the man is quite thick when it comes to these types of situations.”


“Valid point Ma’am. ”


“I appreciate it Tanner. If you could get them leaked for tomorrow’s paper, it would make my morning.”


“I’ll see what I can do. Goodnight M.”


“Night Tanner.”


M hung up the phone just as James re-entered the room and stood in the doorway watching her.


“Who were you talking to?”


“Just Tanner. I was asking him whether he managed to get those reports filed.” She told him nonchalantly.


“I see. And did he?”


“He did.”


She watched as he made his way towards her, and took her hands in his and pulled her up from the couch, wrapping his arms around her.


“In that case, why don’t we have an early night?” He hinted suggestively.


“I see, and what would this early night involve?”


“Well, why don’t you come to bed and you’ll find out.”


“Sounds interesting, but I think you need to convince me a bit more.”


“Oh really? ”


She gave a playful smirk, “Really.”


“In that case- I’ll have to fix that.”


He leaned down capturing his lips with hers the kiss was slow and tender, slowly gaining passion as he pulled her in closer deepening the kiss, causing M to let out a moan of pleasure as his tongue made its way into her mouth. Her arms found their way to the back of his neck holding him in place, as she returned the kiss just as passionately while his hands found there way under her blouse his hands roaming teasingly over her back, sending a shiver of arousal through her at his feather touch. Giving a smirk against her mouth, he turned his attention to her neck, gently nipping her flesh as he did so. She could feel her breathing increasing and her growing arousal travelling through her body only for it to be broken by the familiar sound of the house phone ringing.


“Leave it.” He continued to kiss her neck.


“It could be important James.” She told him breathlessly.


James let out a groan as he released her, “Fine.”


She gave him an apologetic look as she answered the phone trying to get her breathing under control.


“Yes. ”


“I’ve done what you’ve asked, ma’am Q’s on it as we speak. It seems you may get to see Mr. Lawson in the news tomorrow after all.”


“Good work Tanner, I think I need to give both you and Q a raise.”


“If only the Minister would allow that Ma’am. I’ll leave you to whatever you were doing. ”


She knew he was grinning on the other side, and shook her head.


“Night Tanner.”


She quickly hung up, not waiting for a reply.


James was looking at her expectantly, “Well, what has he and Q done now that they should get a raise?”


“That’s need to know basis James, but no doubt you will find out soon enough.” She told him mysteriously.


“Now I think you talked about an early night?” She began to head towards the bedroom.


“Unless you’ve changed your mind James?” She turned to look at him through half lidded eyes.


James didn’t need telling twice and followed after her. Earlier thought of spiders forgotten as his thoughts were filled about making love to the woman who was in front of him.




M awoke to see James propped up on his elbow staring down at her with a smile on his face that she could not help return.


“I thought you would have gotten out of the habit of watching me sleep by now.”


“Not a chance. ”


“I thought not.” She let out a small yawn.


“Is someone still tired?”


“All your fault James.”


“I didn’t hear you object last night, in fact it was just the opposite” He gave her a smug grin.


M refused to answer him knowing he would be more insufferable than he usually was. He was right though, she didn’t think she still had it in her at her age, but he made her feel younger than she had felt in years. She had to admit their sex life was never dull, not when James was involved. The mood was only killed, when James felt the need to check every corner around the room to ensure there were no more guests waiting for him. She found the situation annoying, but somewhat amusing telling her not to turn off the lamp, until he was confident there was nothing there.


“What time is it James? I didn’t hear the alarm.”


“That’s because I turned it off.”


“You did what?”


She looked around to the bedside cabinet noticing it was going on quarter past eight. Letting out a curse, she wrapped the duvet around her got up from the bed, leaving James to stare after her amused.


“I have a meeting at nine with the minister, if I didn’t love you James, I would bloody kill you right now.”


The sounds of the bathroom door slamming behind her caused James to wince. He knew he would be paying for that later. Feeling a chill go through him due to the lack of duvet he looked around for his underwear he had discarded last night. Seeing them on the floor. He looked around cautious of anything being there. Satisfied it was clear, he quickly grabbed and put on his boxers, before making his way into the living rom and turned on the TV.


Slumping down on the couch, he flicked the channel to the news, wondering what was going on in the world. His eyes widened when he saw one of the headlines.



James narrowed his eyes at the screen, listening as the news reporter’s voice filled the room.


It seems that the current head of MI5, Thomas Lawson has more secrets than the government agency he works for. The photos, that were leaked online by an unknown source show Lawson violently attacking a man outside Whitehall last year as well as twenty photos showing Lawson in sexual conduct with various women. The site on which the photos were leaked contained comments from various individuals who have come in contact with Lawson, stating Lawson was known for sexual harassment and bullying others. MI5 is currently looking into the allegations and photos in the hope of figuring out who was responsible for the leak.


“Anything interesting?”


James turned to see M, dressed in a navy three piece suit accompanied by scarf, make up and hair siting perfectly as she looked at him in amusement.


“Apparently someone has leaked photos of Lawson online in some compromising situations. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that would you M?”


“Of course not, what gave you that idea?”


She moved towards the kitchen, hearing James follow after her.


“You’re conversation with Tanner last nigh. That’s why you were going to give them a raise wasn’t it?”


“James, we’re going to be late will you go and get dressed.”


“Not until you tell me the truth M.”


She finished putting sugar in her cup and finally turned to look at him.


“Alright, I may have told Tanner to ask Q to create some photos. Whatever else the press found, I knew nothing about. Although, I do have to admit it was a nice touch.”


James let out a sigh. “You do realise if this finds its way back to you, Tanner or Q you could lose your jobs.”


Her features softened and she moved closer reaching up a hand to caress his face.


“You know that won’t happen. Besides it will only be for a few days, then I’ll have Q remove everything. It will seem as if it was just someone playing a joke. You're forgetting, it's Q we’re talking about James. Do you actually think he would let himself get caught? ”


James knew she had a point, but he needed to know what made her to orchestrate something like this.

“Why? ”


“Consider it revenge for what he did to you when you were younger James. Plus, I’ve been meaning to get my own back for his inappropriate behavior at that last conference.”


He placed a kiss on her wrist, touched that she would abuse her power for him because of something as trivial as a childhood feud. He still wanted to punch the bastard for M’s sake.


“Don’t even think about doing whatever it is you’re thinking James.”


“What makes you think I’m going to do anything?”


“I know you too well James, now would you go for that shower I have twenty minutes to get to the office.”

Taking her in his arms, he held her close for a moment and kissed her softly on the lips.


“Thank you.”


“Don’t mention it James. I seriously mean it.”


“You’re secret is safe with me.” He whispered against her lips, kissing her once more before pulling away reluctantly and headed out of the kitchen.


M shook her head in amusement, watching him go. Once he was out of her line of vision she turned to finish making her tea.


James whistled as he grabbed a few towels from the bathroom shelf, and turned on the shower. Removing his boxers, he was about to step in, when his eyes landed on a moving black mass at the drain.


“M! There’s another one.”


In the kitchen, M rolled her eyes, and made her way towards the bathroom, grabbing a magazine from the living room table as she did so. She was seriously considering getting James a cat as a bodyguard. Then there was the fact she still had to tell him that she had agreed to look after her grandson’s pet tarantula for a few days. If this was how he reacted to house spiders, god help her in those days to come.

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